Male, 17
Saturday, 05 December 2020

I guess that I... messed up my future... over something that happened like... 4 years ago. I mean... it all started 4 yrs ago. I had 2 friends... let's call 'em A and S... and they meant my life to me. I laughed with them... cried with them... and... everything was just so GREAT! And one day... I kissed S and I didn't realize till then that a part of me was g*y. But we never talked abt it after that and then it happened again! WE kissed again and it FELT like S wanted it! I was so happy and... One day... things fell apart... like they always do. Both of them stopped talking to me for reasons I still don't really know and the worst part is that it could've been just a misunderstanding. It was the first time that I felt pain without actually being hurt... That's when I realized that I had emotions. And well... when the 2 most important ppl just leave you... you don't really have anyone to talk to. So... I just bottled up my emotions and ig that was the biggest mistake of my life. It changed me. Aft that... I was actually afraid of... ppl. Slowly... I turned into an introvert. And when I was abt to believe that things won't be better again... She came in to take me outta the dark place I had locked myself in. Let's call her T. So... now I knew that I wasn't completely g*y... which was a bit difficult to register. T took me out and introduced me to this new circle of really good ppl and... I'm just glad that I met her. But... I never really escaped that dark place. A part of me was always locked up there. And the fact that I'm bis*xual kinda leveled up my insecurities. Two years went by and I was really happy with her. She's the only one I let into my vulnerable part of life aft what happened with A and S. I fell in love with her. And she said she loved me too. But... soon after she fell for a guy who's way better than I am. She didn't want to cheat on me so she told me abt him and... idk... I don't blame her for anything but... I was... well... I FELT broken and every time I was alone... a new part of me would break apart. I thought that I'll get used to the pain but... let me tell you a secret.. You NEVER get used to that type of pain. It feels new and fresh every time you feel it. But then... she... she told me that I was the one she really loved and... maybe I was stupid because I let her back into my life but... I really wanted to. I needed her... I NEED her. But... you see... things don't just settle back to normal after falling apart. That's not how life works, right? Then... came the college prep and... all I could hear from my parents was abt their friend's brilliant who was abt to enter a GREAT college and that guy across the street who's already studying in one of the top 5 engineering colleges in the country and... They expected that from me too! I mean... I was pretty good in studies but when you expect too much from someone... he tries and runs away from things. Okay yea... I've wanted to become an engineer for a long time now but... idk... I was scared. And... I started ignoring studies. So... I started to find other escapes. And... I found anime! My laptop became my best friend. And... when I should've been studying... I watched anime and movies and porn all day long. And even after I realized that I should study... I couldn't... I was addicted. And now that the entrance exams are just a couple of months away... I'm not ready. I try try to study but... there's just too much to do. I just know that i won't get into a good college and... maybe... my future is ruined. And... while I was messing around... T and all my other friends utilized the time and well... they're just way out of my league now and... well... my inferiority complex kicked in. I just know that T deserves better... better than me... someone who actually knows abt his future. I... I don't know shit about my future. I don't have any goals and... I'm just too messed up. I don't have to courage to face T and... I don't think that i deserve her... or better... I know that I don't deserve her. Idk what to do... I'm a mess. My near future's a mess.