I'm a really pathetic person. I'm still attracted to the guy that's dating a friend of mine, even after six months. At this point I don't even know what keeps me so attracted. Maybe I'm confusing my awkwardness around them with being attracted. I dunno. I just want things to be normal but... nothing is ever normal in 2020, huh? I'm also somewhat attracted to an online friend, but after so many incidents with pedophiles and falling victim because I'm a gullible piece of shit, I've sworn off online dating. But the only people that ever like me or that I ever like are online. I'm just... stuck in wondering if I'm destined to be screwed over in love. I'm also so far behind in math, and I don't think I'll ever catch up to where I need to be. I feel so toxic at times, and there are many days I just want to die. I can't see any of my friends and I'm so lonely. I don't like being stuck behind, and being stuck in my house, or feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I just... I don't see any reason to be alive. I can't please the one person I want to, aka my mother, I can't do anything right, I don't think I have any kind of good future... I just wish I had the strength to go take the pills and end it all. Maybe then I could be happy again. Just maybe..