Female, 21
Saturday, 16 May 2020

I’m disappointed. I’m heartbroken. I’m lost. I’m defeated. I really thought you had feelings for me, you know? Like, ever since quarantine started, you were clinging onto me for dear life. As if my tenderness and wisdom could make you feel better and that the pain would just go away. I was so repulsed by your actions because it felt like history was repeating itself. It felt like I was going to be used, I would get attached, my life would be in shambles, and I would end up making the same mistakes. And I did. I mean, now I understand that maybe you’re still not over her and that you’re still healing on your own, without my aid. As much as I would love to help you, I just don’t think I would serve much purpose to your wants. Like, I have told you everything and did what I can to help but I feel like my efforts would deem futile. I’m a friend, I’m not here to fix you and make things better for you. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not that good of a friend. I just feel like I give up on people to easy because I get overwhelmed and I retreat because I don’t want to compromise myself again, especially when I’m on this mission of self-love. I was just so convinced you had feelings for me, you know? The signs were all there. Constant chatting, opening up, weird questions, and sending songs that had messages. The things you did before were all in front of my eyes again. I couldn’t bring myself to confess either because you’ve already rejected me a few months ago. So I tried to manifest it. I want to trust the universe but I just feel defeated. I mean, I gave you a chance to say something. Did you really think I would bring myself to confess to you and have that chance of being rejected on my birthday? No. It’s my day. I like myself enough to not put myself in that situation. But you know what? I felt so defeated and disappointed because I really thought it would happen. I guess not. That was a now or never moment for me. If you took that chance, I would have marched outside, in the moonlight, calling you. If you didn’t, I would have to give up on you completely and stop getting my hopes up. I don’t think that we’ll ever be together anyway. But it was so nice to fanticize about what we could have had. And so now, I’ll give all my effort to let you go. It was a really disappointing end to my birthday. I don’t think I could ever forget that. I guess, you also have my actions to blame. I was just as confusing as you were because I always had my guard up when it came to you. I was trying my best to not fall in love with you, especially when I knew that you were not my ideal partner and that we have too much history, but I did, once again. I’m really disappointed. I don’t think I could bear to talk to you right now. I really put my hopes up, you know? Because it was my day and so things would go my way. But it didn’t. I can’t help but tear up but I understand. There’s a myriad of reasons proving why we would never work but maybe just this once, you would come through, like I always hoped you would. But again, you didn’t. I have no one else but myself to blame because I projected my hopes and fantasies onto you, which was unfair. I shouldn’t have done that. My ego is crushed. I just really thought that it would happen because I tried to manifest it. But then, I never really considered what you thought and felt. You were happy with the friendship and growth we had. You valued your friendship and would never change that for anything. You were clearly out of my league, especially with that crazy mental age, I’m disappointed that I even allowed myself to be invested to you like that. That really attacked my insecurity. It’s clear that we’re not meant for each other, that we’re never going to date, and that we’ll never be more than friends. I’m giving up on you.